UselessID1

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

First Entry

     Well I have made another Blog name but this one I'm keeping private so later, way later I can show to people and so I can type out a few thing so I can recall them later. I can write my doubts, hates, and everything else here; just like I do at home and on my computer but here I can access them from anywhere. I made my other one 2 days ago. Just saying so I can remember when everything happened (dates don't always spark my memory). You're gonna notice me going off the subject like constantly! I am writing this to get things off my chest and they always come out best when you write them right at the moment, even if it is in the middle of another thought and when no one's reading it. Oh and this IS long, so most likely most people will not read all of it, which is kick ass. HE HE! Oh yeah, this one will be funnier too, because I'm not just going to be sappy but mean too, and Mean is funny! AND NO ONE CAN DENY THAT!! NO ONE...
     I'm gonna start at afterschool today, since that's when the interesting stuff happens that's worth remembering and commenting on. Well today we watched something called "re-CRY-ed" or something like that in anime club. I got in there, saw Joan, got 18 free chocolate candy bars (Snickers), and talked to some people. It sort of sucks that I gave up chocolate for lent. Right now I put them on my nightstand in a nice pyramid, so they're calling me to eat them everyday... Joan doesn't like anime anymore I guess so she doesn't come there to watch anything. She left after a few mins. Which sucks because I wanted to watch some stuff with her like I promised, a long time ago. So I watched it for a few mins, talked with Tom and Anton. Tom's definitely cool, sucks though that he doesn't talk as much as he used to. Anton although he is cool and funny, and knows Alahandro, he's an ass (good and bad quality). Then I went to Weight Training because I hoped it would make me feel better. I wasn't in a bad mood exactly, but I though it might rejuvenate me or something like that. I did a few curls, and I did those pull ups which work your back... whatever they're called. I saw Andrej there (Greg's friend). I didn't work out my arms like I hoped since other people wanted to use the curle today. Did some sit-ups (set of 40, 20 and 20), used the curl 2 more times, did some dips and left with a good song in my head ("Voodoo" by Godsmack) at 4:00. Oh, someone (I think Andrej) brought a good burned CD. It had Nickelback, Guns N' Roses, AC/DC, Metallica, and a whole bunch of other good bands.
     Then I walked to the library. IT WAS SNOWING! Yeah, mid March and snow, damn Michigan and its 3 seasons, which change Daily! When I got there I went upstairs to the room we use. God Damn were there alot of people there! ALOT of new people, too many. Damn, I liked it when we were downstairs, just the few of us. That was SO much better. Even though I know I was the newest one there, I liked it alot. It was Sterling, Mazzi, Ben (cool short one), Dan, Sarah Brooks and Joan (I know I'm missing some people). It was so much cooler back then. Even though I wasn't into Magic at all, it was still way more fun. It was more comfortable; cooler, funner people, everything. It really did start to change once I was going out with Joan (not too badly though). But it really changed when the fucker ben came, even just the first time. Yes, that's a reason why I hate him (I should put a symbol or something so it'll be easier to find this when I'm going back and trying to list the reasons why I hate him. Ooh! maybe I'll color-code it... what's a weenie color? damn... even pink's too manly for him). Even though I did stand up for him to Sterling, I still hate that fucking weenie. I almost regret it, hell I do regret it. But I saw it was making Joan uncomfortable so I did. She was really trying to not say anything... Let's get back to today... So, alot of new people, and I can't say what I think of most of them, so good I'm writing it down here. Because if I do say what I think I'll hurt thier little feelings, thier teeny tiny little freaking feelings. How come everyone there seems to be so damn fragile? God forbid you say it because they all will get pissed. People here are so screwed up (meaning "different"), well most of them at least. And if you say something about one of them the rest get offended too. Arg these people... I went over and stood next to Joan, she just finished beating both Bens. It's actually more fun to watch them play then actually play for me. Then I told her I wanted to come downstairs and lie like we used to. Wait! One more thing about the loser... Ever since ben came we didn't, not once, go downstairs and lie and talk and everything else we used to do. Not once! And every time ben left the room Joan went to join him, and Vice Versa. THAT was what I was talking about when I said she spent too much time with him and him with her. And she knew/knows I hate him and she had feeling for him, and she was unsure about her feeling for me. Yet she still was over his house and hung around with him. Yeah, that's what pissed me off Joan. So yeah, we went downstairs, we sat down on the couch like we used to. It wasn't exactly like before but whatever, close enough. I asked her about her grades and school. She showed me her Math and then her poems. She writes beautiful poems. I mean just awesome poems. She expresses exactly how she feels in them. That's the main thing that got me into this, but I'm not planning to show this to anyone right now. She had a few poems about her parents which were not too kind, nothing unexpected there. She started coughing, so we went to take a drink, I needed one too. So we went to the drinking fountain and I asked her to let me lay on her, but she said no because she was sick. But I really wanted to lay on her and I started to ask her very seriously. Only once I kissed her she said ok. So we went to the couch and she laid on me. I had about 10 mins of happiness. I don't know why but when she laid on me I just got an instant smile, I couldn't even put it down. That's when you know you're happy: when you can't stop showing it even if you want to. 10 mins of being happy, even though it seemed way longer, then Whitney came. I don't like her. I don't hate her, but I definitely don't like her. She is annoying for me, and she is definitely not "my kind of people". She IS stuck-up, annoying as hell, has a screechy as voice (it's scary how much she reminds me of Jenn, and I'm not just talking about the voice), she broke a promise with a best-friend (Joan), there are just too many things to list. I just don't like anything about her. But I don't hate her. So she came, she talked, and talked. I guess it was payback for the four times when Joan, her and ben were together and I came and bothered them. Another reason why I don't like her (Guess I gotta get a color ready for her too... Now what's a bitchy color? hmm...), she came there and we were close and she knew it. For the entire time she was there I cannot remember one interesting thing she said, not one! Just when she's there she makes it so I'm just so out of it because she is so mind-numbingly stupid and boring (Oh fuck, I'm talking like her... FUCK! The bitch had an influence on me!! waaa). Even if someone said something interesting, like if Joan told me her every problem and she was there talking too, NOTHING would stick in my head. So seriously, she is MIND-NUMBINGLY BORING. I just stared at the floor half the time. Oh, somewhere during her conversation (I really can't remember when, because of you know why) I got to lie on Joan! That's about the only thing that got me through it. She finally went away, 30 mins wasted there. I laid on Joan, still happy as a clam, enjoying the few mins I had with her alone. Sorry I gotta take a min and re-live those mins... :-)... :-D... :'-). Ok, done... :'-). Ok ok, I'm done, for sure, really... Ahem... So then Whitney came back (damn she didn't fall down the stairs), this time I didn't bother opening my eyes, I just laid there trying to make the happiness last longer. Then I heard ben was there. Still didn't care, there was a long time when I didn't want to do things around him with Joan. I didn't want him to feel bad or sad or whatever a weenie feels (probably the only feelings right there). But I don't care anymore; I hope it brings him alot of pain. Fuck his feelings, he did way more inconsiderate stuff to me and still does. Fucker has no honor... He is the only person I truly hate. We talked a little; I had to get off Joan for whatever reason. For the rest of the time nothing really happened (yes you guessed it, nothing stuck up there because of it *note:remember to color "it" the bitchy color*). I went to get my bookbag (remembered that because I was out of the reach of her voice). Everyone was gone from the room. Came back down and sat next to Joan. I got to lean on her a little. Not too much later ben's dad came and they had to go. I said "See ya" to them and walked home in the snow (which I don't mind, it wasn't that cold out). I came home and went right to this.
     This took me about 2 hours to write, with all of the people IMing me and all. I'm gonna read Jenna's message now, she feels bad because Joan broke a promise to her. She said she'll come home right afterschool and spend some time with her. Jenna had some things to tell Joan and wanted to say them today. This will be her second message on Blogdrive.com. This took me two hours to write, and during that time I did say alot of "harsh" things, most of which I mean, but I'll never do anything to the shitloads of annoying people here. If I do something to then I know it'll hurt Joan. And that, right now, is all I care about. I love Joan and miss her constantly. I'm probably borderline obsessive, but I LOVE her. I dream of her every night. No matter what I do, a part of me is always thinking of her. I need to go rest my eyes from this damn monitor. See ya, Ciao.

Posted at 07:34 pm by yearofTOB
Complaints (3) Permalink

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Day 2

FUCK!!!!!! I lost an hour and a half worth of work!!! Fucking Damn blogdrive!! Piece of shit! And I had alot of good ranting there that just can't be reproduced!!!! I'll just give you the summary then...
     I did Math and Physics at night. Waited for Joan to call. Eventualy I fell asleep.
     Woke up late, did everything in less then 15 mins (teeth, hair, face, cloths, ect.)! Ran to school, looked for Joan. I couldn't find her, so I went to class (at the last bell of course). Bored during first hour, then I went to meet Joan. She was cheary today and had pig-tails! I went to drama with her, we hugged for a sec and then said "see ya". Saw Sarah, said Hi, she didn't respond. Oh well, no biggy. She and Joan have been having problems and she never really thought of me as a friend. Then for the second half of Drafting I slept... I was done with Math, Physics, no English, and done with Drafting (yes that is my list of priorities during Drafting class). I found out that I'm not going to be doing VICA. I can be an "alternate", but na. Fuck them. They can go to Hell, go to Hell and Die! He he (I'm not really pissed, don't worry)...
     Again after class I ran to talk with Joan. She was still very cheary. We walked to her class and then we hugged and Kissed once :-). Then Machine Shop was boring because everyone took up the lathes so I couldn't finish my ring for Joan. Bastards... Wilson sprayed the bench a little with spray-paint and Curtis flipped out when he saw it. After a few little threats like "book work till the end of school", Wilson confessed and everything was back to normal. Then after class I ran to see Joan again, I found her in-between the two halls talking with ben. So I just started to walk with them. Dropped her off at her class, hugged and I had to go. English today was actually ok, we read Act 4 of "Pygmalion". Mrs. Favazza explained alot on it. She did a good job pointing out and explaining to the guys how women play these "games". They really aren't "games" per-say, just ways they show thier feelings, but they don't come right up and say them. They give hints, subtle hints, that sometimes may seem confusing, but they do make sence (eventualy). I'm happy that I was there to hear it so I can try and understand Joan more when/if she does that. I really am. After that I had to wait for 15 mins to go by so I could go and meet Joan again. Finally they were over, so I ran out of class. I ran to Joan's last class, met her and ben again. Well then we went to lunch and met Whitney along the way. As always, mind numbingly annoying... We went to lunch, I barely got to hug Joan and I left. WebPage was boring and completly uninteresting, so let's NOT write anything on that. After that I jetted to lunch to find Joan. For some reason I almost NEVER get to see her after lunch. I guess she always meets up with ben. So instead of waiting for her to maybe show up there, I went to class this time. I saw her walking with ben again. (Insert "Rant") God I hate that kid. I mean seriously, I never see him with anybody else at school. No one! I can't stand him. He's not making any new friends, he's becoming better and better friends with Joan, I want to just strangle him... I know it's self-centered to think this but... I really just want him to like move away or something so he can't hurt anyone else. Or to piss Joan off somehow (even beter if he does this so I can kick his ass). I don't want him to die because someone might get a little sad and they shouldn't have to suffer for a weenie, but to just somehow get out of my life and Joan's. Maybe he can disappear... gotta think on that. I know that's unfuckingbelievably stupid, mean, egotistical, "bla bla bla" to say; but that's how I feel. When I got there, I this time I could literaly see his smile go upside-down. Oh well, tough noogies for him :P, weenie. We walked to her class then parted ways. No hug no kiss this time :-(. I don't know if she's uncomfortable with it or what. Whatever the reason is, she's not telling me and acting like it's no big deal. And this has been going on for some time. So I went to US. Government class; it's always a good class. Had some laughs, always fun to joke around in that class. I can always get at least a couple of GOOD jokes in. So after that class I went to see Joan again, when I met her she seemed down for some reason, even though she said she was ok. If there was something, she wasn't telling. She said she was ok, so I'll believe her. Sorry Joan, I just worry about ya... "Stairway to Heaven" just turned on... Good song. Whenever I hear it, it makes me think of Joan :-)...
     ...Sorry just dazed off there for a few mins, where was I? So like everything, Gov. ended too. Went to see Joan again, found her talking with ben again. I walked her to her class. We didn't hug, and I had to go to 7th hour. Physics was good and all, like always. Had some laughs with a few people, ignored ben for most of the time, ah...good times, good times...he he. I wish I had my MP3 player there though. I was bored, I had my homework done and nothing else to do. Somehow timed passed and the hour was over. Ran to Joan again. We talked a little on the way to her 8th hour. Unfortunatly she got pissed at me (kidding around kind of pissed), I forgot the reason, and I didn't get a hug, so I was late for 8th hour again. I forgot to ask her if she was comming after school, arg. Walked with Jason, had the same old monolog with him (he talks, I pretend to pay attention; he says how much he/"everyone" hates ben) and went to 8th. Nothing really happened there. I finished most of the homework the night before so I was set to sleep during class.
     After class I booked to try and find Joan, unfortunatly I couldn't find her. I went outside to see if I could spot her, no luck. Anyway, I went to Weight Training and then to Drafting to get my coat. I was in Weight Training until like 3:20, then I went to the library. Unfortunatly there were new people there AGAIN. It sucks now. Damn ben. The place was literaly seperated in two parts. The "old" people - (cool) Ben, Sterling, Mazzi, Larry, Sarah Jones (Anton too, but he doesn't count), and I think someone else but I can't remember. Then there were the "new" people - Shawn, ben, Christi, some kid... and like 3 other people I didn't care to remember. Oh, and Frankie was there "in the middle" of the two, both literaly and figuratively. *Kick ass! "Duke Nuken Theme" by Megadeth just turned on (perfect rant music)*
     (I don't see an end in sight for this rant so let's give it it's own paragraph) I find that everyone that is ben's friend I am loosing respect for, EVERYONE! And people that I did not know before that like ben, I just seem to hate (coincidence? I think not!). Don't get me wrong the only person I ever truly hated is ben, but Shawn, Christi, Sarah Brooks (I think she likes him), Sharon, and unfortunatly Joan; all of those people I am loosing respect for. It's just sad how people can like him. And speaking of Joan, I'm not loosing respect for her really because she is hanging out with ben, but how her situation is with her other friends now. She is friends with ben, which I do not even think is a decent human being; and then there's Whitney. Which is: annoying as fucking hell, broke her promise with Joan, spoiled, stuck-up, never says anything interesting, stupid as hell, ect. ect. ect. (ranting fades, eventualy...). Then there's her situation with Sarah Brooks and Sarah Jones. Sarah Brooks I think is a great person, she's looked out for Joan plenty of times, she's smart and nice, and a seems to be a good person overall. I don't care if Sarah hates me as long as she looks out for Joan. She is pissed at Joan for some reason or another. Joan says she "doesn't care", but she does. Now with the other Sarah... Joan doesn't talk to her anymore. Which fucking sucks ass. Something changed from the time ben had his birthday and now. Joan said that during the birthday she would hang around with Sarah because she was uncomfortable with ben. But now all she does is hang around with ben. And I hate that, I know I'm an ass about this, but IF I could I would seperate the two. I know that's a fucking stupid, egotistical, ect. ect. ect. thought, but that's how I feel.
     So after playing two games of Magic - The Gathering with the people I care about there, I left. Of course I said "Good bye" to everyone and everything, and went home. So I got home logged on, checked other people's Blog accounts and talked with Joan. Now I am writing this thing and I need to edit my previous one so... well, I know why. Hopefully I'll remember why later, See ya later me. Ciao, I love Joan still. Hopefully you do too and she loves you too. I can only hope. :'-)... perfect song to end it... "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins...

Posted at 07:05 pm by yearofTOB
Complaints only, nothing else Permalink

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Ben Bashing - ;-)

     Well I finally got to this. I should start this now because alot of people are giving me reasons why they hate ben, and I don't want to forget even one of them. I won't put any names here. You know, just in case, in case someone stumbles onto this in the future. First let me start that I really (for now) have only HATED one person in my life. When I was younger I thought I hated people; but you know, you then either forgive them or forget about them. Him I can't ever forgive and I know I can't forget. And since I'm so damn stuborn I know I won't. When Joan showed me how stongly you can love someone, I thought back on how I hated people, but it was NOTHING compared to how I felt for her. They were on completly different playing fields. But ben, I really hate him. I do ignore him at school and all. Like in class I really don't care about him. I always cared about people's feelings, like there were rules that you followed when dealing with them. You don't bring up this or that subject, you don't undermine his friends, ect ect ect. There are a shitload of things, but with him I don't care. I still will not break those rules but I'm sure I wouldn't care if I did. I for now have not even ONCE undermined him to his friends. I never say anything negative about him to anyone other then I hate him. Even if people who hate him, are bashing him, I still won't join in. I always say the exact same thing: "I don't like him, everyone knows that. I have my reasons, and there are ALOT of them. If you're waiting for me to start naming things, don't hold your breath." I will tell you one thing though: It's sad how many people who he really thinks are his friends, really hate him. I don't mean dislike him (there are a few of those too), but really hate him. It's true unfortunatly. ALOT of people do hate him, and many of them he thinks are "friends".
     I will be very careful as to not name names. But I've asked those people and many of them do not mind if I do. I might use a few names, but not alot, and nothing sensitive. Also, if you see the word "weenie" anywhere... yup, you guessed it, that's him. Don't forget that I have not told any of these people that I hated him. Almost all of them just came up to me or IMed me and told me this. So lets start!

***edited content!!!*** OK, sorry but I never really dedicated enought time to this. I only had about 2 and a half pages worth of ranting (on Microsoft Word, size 10 font, Times New Roman, no double spacing).  And that was just MY own ranting, no one elses! I didn't even start on what other people told me. But time came to show people this site. I got a better one where I can download/upload stuff way more easily. If I did have time I would make this article rival Encyclopedia Britannica. But I really do hate showing incomplete work. I really wanted to include what other people said, put in some quotes so it's "politicaly correct", maybe cross-reference it a little to other famous weenies, etc etc etc... I know I promised those people a nice LONG detailed article. Sorry, maybe later guys.
     Well now, since I know many of his friends will be reading this, that's sort of another reason why I am deleting most of the content in this article. I'm too lazy to delete it from the rest of the site and many of it just has to be said. I have NEVER tried to manipulate or change the opinions of any of his friends. I have not nor will I ever do that to anyone. And if I have I WANT you to leave a comment. I have never went up to ANY of his friends and said anything nasty about him to them. I didn't even cuss about him to them and I know he has to mine. I have never said anything other then that I don't like him and that I have GOOD reasons to. Seriously guys think back, have I even talked about him to you? No. He doesn't concern me, besides I know it would make you uncomfortable. So, read, post, complain, it'll just make it more fun to read.

Posted at 07:49 pm by yearofTOB
Complaints only, nothing else Permalink

Worst Thought Ever

I really want to start this now, I haven't finished my other rant but I don't care. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! For some reason Joan doesn't love me anymore, again! It's almost like she doesn't even like me anymore. I know she'll say for me not to guess stuff like this becouse I'm being an ass or whatever, but what I see is that. Fine maybe I'm reading her wrong but that's what I see right now. She does pretend a little at the begining of school that she likes me, but by the end she doesn't even try. Something IS on her mind and she doesn't want to tell me. This sucks so much! Last time she at least told me but this time she's not even trying to discuss it. She doesn't talk to me anymore. She even ignores me sometimes. I really think she's just tagging me along. I wouldn't mind if she told me, but to just leave me hanging? I have serious feeling for her and she knows it. I would just like to know. I've told her this before. Whatever it is, please just tell me. She spends more time with ben. She doesn't want to talk with me anymore. She's almost even avoiding me, at least that's what I see. When we're alone she acts like she doesn't want to be there. I ask her "What's the matter, anything wrong?" and she says "Nothing". I really think that whatever feelings she had for me have now disappeared. I miss her so freaking much. And if she doesn't feel anything for me I would like to know. She doesn't want to hug anymore, and she avoids me kissing her. Every time I try to do something nice with her she goes away. She scurries off to her class or see's someone and talks with them. Even when we were sitting on the couch, she could have ignored Whitney. The only alone time we had for awhile and she couldn't just leave her be behind the bookshelf. Whatever it is, I would like to know. I'll ask her again a few times. If she still won't discuss it then I'll come over her house and make sure it's clear I want to know. See ya me, let's see how much this is a mistake. Let's see how much my heart can take. I love you Joan, I can't stop thinking of you. I just hope you feel the same way towards me...

Posted at 08:32 pm by yearofTOB
Complaints only, nothing else Permalink

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Break

Well Joan and I are on a "break". I'm not sure what that means exactly I don't think she does either. I think it is: you get to act single, but don't get to screw around with other people. Like, normal single people are more open, they flirt, ect. ect. ect., but you can't now. So you're basicly an uptight single person. WOW! This sounds like so much fun... YIPPY... Well, I will get to meet Joan before her first and second hours and maybe one more time before school ends... this will NOT be fun! Well, I will be able to hang out with her during Jacobs party at least. AYE YA YA YA YA, but that's not the biggest problem here. Problem is: will Joan ever feel for me the same way she used to? She want's to love me, she really does. She had so many good times with me, and she wants to have plenty more. But unfortunatly she doesn't feel the same way towards me. She really want's to, but she can't. She want's to feel like she used to, those were her best memories, and she want's more of them, but she just can't...

Posted at 07:58 pm by yearofTOB
Complaints only, nothing else Permalink

"You and Me"

" Joan I need to talk to you. Call, IM, e-mail, whatever, please try to get ahold of me. If I can, please, I would like to talk with you in person. I pretty much know you don't love me anymore. I really wish we could have talked about it. I want you to be happy. I want you to do what you think is right. I want you to follow what your heart says. And I want you to be sure you want it. I still love you and I have for a long time.
You were wondering about my other Blog journal. Well... here it goes: http://uselessid.blogdrive.com/. I haven't edited it for 2 days so don't worry, everything in there is genuine. Please if you can, read the last one. Skip the rest for now, come back to them later. Just... read that one please. I want you to be happy, that's a fact. Even if it's not with me. But please be sure. I'll always be there if you need me. Good night. Oh, one last thing. From what people have told me, ben's "jumping for joy". So I'm gonna be an ass and assume that he knows. I really hoped that you could have talked to me about this. But for whatever reason, you didn't. Good night Joan. I hope to talk to you soon. Sleep well. I love you.

Sincerely your's,
Tomasz Skonieczny"

"Tom, you know I'm too damn stupid to know what I want. I'm sorry for ignoring you just, that day i really needed to think... I guess mainly about us as well. I'm thinking maybe I'm hanging on the the last shreds of memorys we've created. The days when everything was fine, the days when your love so strong was returned just as much. Now, I'm just so damn confused, I think i found something out, then it's ripped out of my hands and everything spins around me, I'm fucking stuck. I've tried really hard, but it's unfair to both you and I. Tom, it's not that I don't love you it's, it's just that im really stressing these days. Grades, parents, little sister feeling regected, how the hell am i supposed to handle all this? I know I'm unfair to you, I know i treat you like shit these past few, I know ive been a dumbass... Tom, your email made me cry, the hardest I've ever cried in my entire life, that someone could love me that much... someone could care about.... me. At church, everyone kept asking about you and I told them about you like it was then, I really wished and hoped so hard that it felt like it did - I saw you again, the way i used to. Tom, I know this will kill you - I did it before - I need more time. I'm not sure about anything right now so many things are blocking my way. I'm sorry for now and forever, i always shall remain this way, because you dont deserve to sit around and wait while I'm in pain. I'd like to talk to you about it, I'd love for you to help me through this... but if it's too much, I'd understand.
I'm sorry, but you picked one of the most messed up girlfriends you could have."

I'm sorry Joan but yesterday on your trampoline. I will never forget that. I will always remember what you said then. As much as I can I will remember what you said. I will remember what you were repeating. I will always remember you. Even now I see you, lieing there, tears on your face, wispering those lines over and over. I will never forget that. You are etched in my mind. I will never forget you because well, you made just as big an impact on me as I have on you.

Posted at 09:26 pm by yearofTOB
Complaints only, nothing else Permalink

Monday, March 22, 2004

"Fight The Break of Dawn"

Joan I take my cell-phone to bed everyday. Waiting for you to call. Hoping for you to call. Wishing for you to call. Knowing whether you will call or not, I'll still have the phone next to me. Just in case I get a chance to talk to you.

Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace
I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be...

Those are my best memories. I'll never forget them. I'll never regret them. And I've never wanted to change them.

Posted at 07:11 am by yearofTOB
Complaints only, nothing else Permalink

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

National Jacob Day

     Jacob Rules!! Yeah today he had his birthday and it was shitloads of fun. Alot more people were supposed to come but it only ended up being the 3 of us. Oh well, I thought it was great, no other people to bother us. He bought 3 pizzas so it ended up being 1 pizza per person! It was so damn great. We got to play 3 games of lazer tag, hang around, spin around (don't ask :-D), talk. It was so much fun. Dudes[!!!], we played Dance Dance Revolution there! He always asked if I wanted to play but I always said "No way". But it was so damn fun there. There must have been some kinds of drugs there that we didn't know about. Never had that much fun at Beemerz before. Come to think of it, I think the pizza was drugged. He picked a Pineapple and Ham pizza (and a pepperoni and a cheeze one but that's besides the point). Pineapple for Christ's sake and it was good! No way that a non-drugged pizza with Pineapple is good. So it had to have been that. That was a great party. HA!!.. Sorry, still can't get over that we each got 1 large pizza to eat (which we did) and then we ran around for 3 beemers games. Jacob drove us home and then we talked online.
     I asked Joan "have I ever hurt you?", and I know I did but I didn't get the answer I expected. First of all I was bothering her too much. And to an extent I knew I was but I didn't know it bothered her that much. It is true, I do meet with her alot. I don't give her any time alone, especially at school. Now I guess I'll stop. I just have to watch myself. The other thing was that her friends don't like me much. I know pretty much which ones don't, but not all (I'm not that good). Friends are one of the most important things in the world for Joan. She always seeks comfort from them, friendship, and to hide from the world. She is open to them, and cares for them deeply. I unfortunatly (unfortunatly for me) wont change or pretend for them to like me. But I have to think about what to do about this. Ohh I know, Screw them ;-P. "Death solves all problems. No man, no problem" - Joseph Salin.
     I WILL ELIMINATE THEM ALL, ha ha ha!!! ...oops... sorry just daydreaming there. There is this one great article let's see if i can find it. Here it goes, http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=1959. The best parts in it are:

"Unlike today, men were truly men in the untamed west, and arguments were routinely settled with deadly gunfights. When ammunition was low, arguments were instead settled with a coin toss. But it was a really dangerous coin toss, since coins were uneven and jagged, and tetanus shots probably hadn't been invented yet. These arguments weeded out the weak, the unarmed, and the overly argumentative, and as a result made the United States a stronger country."

Come on, "Showdown City"! Bring it on! It would weed out pretty much all of Sterling Heights but... sacrafices must be made. Of course not by me. For when I am Overlord, it'll be fun to squash the "little people". Nothing says "Obey me" like a bloody head on a post. I'm gonna go and dream of that day. See ya me.

Posted at 10:18 pm by yearofTOB
Complaints only, nothing else Permalink

Sunday, March 28, 2004

The Day After

Don't ask about why or how it happened guys!! It's still very hard to think about, even more to explain. Whatever you get from here stays here. Don't ask about it, don't mention it, don't bother me for the next few weeks!
    Waking up was the hardest. At first I didn't know why but then it struck me. All of my muscles ached and so did my heart. Normaly when I woke up I thought about the day (my mind acted exactly like it did for the last 2 months). Whenever I thought of what I was gonna do, half of my mind went to Joan. "What will I be doing with her?", "When can I see her?", "Will we kiss or just hug?", "Is she in a good mood today?". I got up, made my bed, in just hoping to stop those thoughts. Unfortunaly at that time EVERYTHING struck me that I avoided thinking about. Everything that we did/didn't do yesterday, I will never get to again, ever. Every memory of her reminds me of everything we wont be able to do. And then I got the worst thoughts. I thought about what we never have a chance to do, about what I will never get to do with her: all the things that I've wished to do with her, everything I had prepared and planned out, will never have a chance to happen. Hard thoughts... difficult to write down. This continued through me eating and showering. The thing that would always melt my heart, was when she looked at me seriously, and told me something that was important to her, something decisive. Even if it was just "No", it would just stir so many feelings. It was a completly different side of her. When she did it it felt like a serious relationship. When she said it I know she was telling me exactly what she felt, not covering it up , just telling me exactly what she wanted.
     No matter where I would go, what I would do, my mind still wanders to Joan. I guess that'll be the hardest thing to change. I have to stop thinking about things to do with her, to see with her, to buy for her, etc. Later I got to talk with her online. We just said a few things about yesterday. By the way, I know how bad I sound, but it's gonna get worse... I still have that perfect little image of Joan and me, sitting on her couch, talking, laughting, cuddling, and that both of us are in love with each other. That when I leave she would feel for me just as much as I do for her. That I can leave and know the next day she will return my love as she did the previous. That's the kind of thing that's the hardest to get over.
     After I ate I went over Adams house to try and get my mind off of things. I ran as much as I could but I couldn't cover as much ground as I did the day before, not by a long shot (no modivation I guess). When I got there we talked a little. It's great because he's smarter and more mature then nearly everyone here. He was raised well and he's gained my respect many times over. We talked some about games, TV and stupid people (always a fun subject). We got some great ideas of attacking people at anime conventions who have the most aweful costumes imagined. He saw a picture of a fat, old guy dressed as Faye!! Fat dude in short shorts, and a skin tight get-up!!!!!! That sort of did it for us, we're bringing wooden bats and kendo sticks to the conventions if we ever go to one. We went upstairs and played a few computer games then we watched "Full Metal Alchemist". Without any concious thought, I told myself to borrow a few CD's from him to watch with Joan. I just completly forgot and I couldn't get it out of my mind for the next hour. We eventualy went downstairs and watched Rouroni Kenshin. The series was still as good as ever. We went up stairs and watched 2 more episodes of "Full Metal Alchemist". Midnight hit and I was off, I wanted to get home quickly tonight. I ran most of the way trying to hurry, went past AMC and everywhere I looked I had memories stirring up. Then I got to this one spot where Joan and I lied down after our second date. I went laid down, and just watched the cloudy night. I closed my eyes and remembered how we just laid there before. Time seemed to just slip by, I just closed my eyes for a few mins and before I knew it, it was 12:50. So I ran to Joan's... and that's where I'm leaving it. Draw whatever conclutions you want from that. Don't ask me and don't bother people who you think might know it. Believe me I know you people make gossiping a freaking hobby. I figured this'll make life more interesting at school. It's gonna be fun watching you people. I see people here as little furry animals in an experiment. I just watch, listen, and laugh at you. Good Night...

Posted at 12:26 pm by yearofTOB
Complaints only, nothing else Permalink

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Camelot doesn't last forever

Don't let it be forgot, that once there was a spot,
For one brief, shining moment that was known as Camelot

     This really isn't worthy of being in this blog but whatever. God this sucks! Arg! I so do not want to start my essay. I don't want to do anything. I don't like going on AIM anymore (I deleted almost everyone from my contact list because I couldn't give a damn about them. Now I have like 4 people from Stevenson from about 15. I feel like making a new screen name on AIM so people don't bother me anymore. Fuck, and the worst part is Trillian doesn't have the function "only friends can see me online". It pisses me off so much. First off it'll cut down drasticly on the amount of spam AIM messages I get from people that I don't care about, and it'll give those people the hint that I don't care anymore!!). Right now I am trying to find some music that I want to listen to. Everything I have fits a different mood. Even the old music that I used for a similar mood I really don't want to listen to right now. "Heat of the Moment" seems like the only thing half decent at the moment. For some reason I'm thinking of certain stupid people and it's pissing me off right now. I had them out of my head for awhile now, and now they're bothering me again. I can't get them out!
    Last night I did have some fun (as short lived as it was). When there was a tornado warning I went to my back yard to do some sogo. I havn't done it in a long ass time. I got the idea when I was cleaning my weights after using them and I figured to use the bar for a Yombo (4.5 foot staff). So I went outside and started doing it (without socks or shoes). It was nice because you could see lightening at a distance and the wind was a killer. After about an hour it started to rain so I went back in. Talked a little bit online and eventualy went back outside (because it was raining) just without the pole. It felt really nice and I figured to go for a walk. I ended up going to Stevenson's baseball field. Hopped the fence and enjoyed the peace, quiet and serine-ness. It was so damn cool!! Just thinking about it now is putting me in a better mood. It was so much fun. The grass was so clean (compared to all the twigs and leaves in my backyard), it felt so damn good under my feet. I could do many things so freely. Rain was pounding on me and I loved it. Jumps and kicks were so easy to do. I didn't do so well on breakfalling though, but I don't care. Just being there, barefoot, rain pounding on you, wind blowing so strongly, lighting every few mins, was so exilerating. I hurt my left ankle a few times but I walked it off. On the 4th time, I figured I should get back in case my mom woke up and started freaking out about where I was (She was worried when I was just using the pole and spinning it around. I was careful, didn't hit myself too many times, just about 5 or 6.). I got back talked for a few mins online and went back. It wasn't as good as last time but whatever. I was getting too tired to be able to do anything good. I really felt like taking my wooden sword that time but if I got caught there you know people would bitch WAY MORE. Still, the rain pounding on me felt good. I felt like just going for a walk instead of actually training. OH well, it was getting late so I went back. Gotta re-live those moments for a min... come to think of it, it reminded me of that last fight in Matrix: Revolutions. When I got home I just wasted time and went on somethingawful.com. I was looking for this one particular "Weekend Web". I got to this http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=1988, laughed at people there. Finally I found it: http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=1947, laughed at people there then actually went on the website they were making fun of. It's not that bad, it serves a purpose but unfortunatly there are alot of stupid people there. Stupid people who wish to have sex because "all of thier friends have". First of all, your friends are stupid; second, most of them probably lied; and third, you're stupid for listening to them and being so damn impressionable (to put it very very very nicely). I'm off for a little bit. I have a 3 page, 5 paragraph paper to write on the History of the English language.
     Fuck, I can't concentrate for the life of me!! I even went outside and did some work. I tried putting on music, eating, nothing's helping!!! At this rate it'll take me all night!!
     Damn, so many things do remind me of Joan. Saw a comercial for a movie and I wanted to go with her, ARG. I'm not going to a movie theater for a LONG ass time.
     It's 2:50 and I haven't writen a single damn thing for over an hour and a half. I can't concentrate again, I really need some sleep but I have to finish this damn paper! I don't know why it's taking me so damn long to write. All I've done is look online for "Camelot" and read poems. I know I'm going to fall asleep here and then miss class.
Ciao me.

Music at the moment: "The Heat of the Moment" by Asia
                                 "Girl's Not Grey" by AFI
                                 "High Hopes" by Pink Floyd.
                              "The Freshman" by Verve Pipe

No, nothing lasts forever, not even Camelot.
But what do you do when it's over?
Do you just look back and remember its glory?
Waste away, wishing for it to come back?

Time to pick up whatever you can, never forget, and move on.
As hard as that is, and as much as you don't want to,
You can only grieve for so long.

...Just found this interesting... I got the second highest grade in the class for that report, a B+.

Posted at 04:08 pm by yearofTOB
Complaints (4) Permalink